Neutral.
Lifeless.
Invisible.
As I looked into the mirror after applying a soft mauve to my lips, I wondered why I had chosen that color when it’s so unflattering on me.
In preparing for my morning appointment, I was deliberate in my choice. I had a meeting with an individual who, in times past, was a little intimidating to me. I don’t think that was ever their intention, but there were times I walked away feeling a little smaller.
Awareness came in my bathroom mirror, and I suddenly recognized that my color choice was a subconscious effort to disappear a little. Perhaps to have my presence a little quieter. A little less noticeable. Or to not show up at all.
In that moment I got mad. Not at the situation. But at me for not showing more respect to myself.
I grabbed a few squares of toilet paper and erased any trace of that muted lip stain. I then applied a bold, saturated hue to my lips while almost yelling in my mind, “ I CHOOSE TO SHOW UP.”
I could now meet my gaze in the mirror and even smile. My attitude became brighter, my confidence increased, and my meeting was a great success.
Have you ever done this? Have you found yourself hiding from the world? Do you talk too much? Or too little? Chase dreams others don’t understand? Maybe you don’t dream at all? Perhaps you feel judged by what you believe? Or the way you dress? Or just the way you are?
Each of us was born to make the world a better place. We came with things to learn. Things to do. Things to become. Our individual influence can reach far more than we often consider. And that’s okay.
At least my head says it’s okay.
I’ll be honest, though.
Embracing this idea has been a dance for me. For a time I slow danced through my education. You know . . . like the slow moving penguin we did in junior high where it seems you barely move around the floor? And when I started a non-profit I was doing the swing. It involved a lot more people on the floor and was upbeat and fun. It brought forth an enormous smile and a few spins, but I was a little worn out by the end. So I sat the next one out and focused on my family. When the right music and partners came along, I moved across the dance floor, formally learning proper mindset and then starting a publishing company in a traditional waltz. And many other times I’ve danced alone, like no one was watching.
Let me tell you how this dance showed up at an art session.
For my daughter’s 18th birthday, three of my girls and a dear family friend went to a private painting class. We were each given an 8x10 canvas to do a watercolor painting. I chose a bright yellow daylily. Our beautiful teacher (who is a professional artist) coached us to draw the flower petals beyond the canvas. It was a little tricky to sketch the larger size while looking at a photo size print.
On the way home from our class, one of my married daughters commented on the enormous canvas paintings displayed in the art studio we had just left. She added that she has a large canvas and would like to try that size, but it had always been a little scary to get started.
In my mind I imagined painting my daylily on a larger canvas. I felt pretty confident I could paint the next size up, but as soon as I considered doing it any bigger, my heart started racing.
Who gets nervous over the size of a canvas?
Well. Apparently I did.
After a few days of pondering this, I realized something about myself.
This canvas phobia was simply a symptom of a larger problem.
I have drawn invisible lines around my life. Boundaries that keep me in a space where I know I can succeed. Within the walls of comfort and safety.
In other words . . . I chose to play small.
Now let’s circle back to where we began. With my lipstick story. I first recognized the problem. I then had to remedy it. And finally, I made a new choice.
So here’s my new choice.
I refuse to design my life within the boundaries of notebook-sized- canvas.
There are more ways for me to show up. More ways to move outside of the lines. More of me to share.
I have contacted my art teacher, and my next project will be on a 30x30 canvas.
I choose to show up.
How about you?
If you’re ready to show up and fulfill your purpose, I’d love to help.